Wednesday, April 30, 2008

#29 Anxious Goats

There's a type of goat - found mainly in the Himalayan mountains I believe - that when scared, falls victim to a petrification of the extremities, and can't help itself but fall over. Can you imagine the pandemonium if everytime you were startled you collapsed in a catatonic heap on the ground? Oh the humanity! I keep picturing a yetti or some other type of mischievous snow creature playing tricks on them at extreme altitudes and then giggling as the frozen goats bounce down the mountain to their demise. It would go something like this: Rooooaaaaar! Maaa-aa-aaa- thud maa-aa-aa- thud maa-aa-aaa- thud....silence.

p.s. Did you hear what happened to the cross-eyed circumciser?
He got the sack.

#28 Parties!!

Stolen Girlfriends Club's exhibition is the hottest party of Sydney Fashion Week and it's on tonight – so if you're in town, get down there!

At 7pm on Wednesday April 30th in Sydney, New Zealand pop culture label Stolen Girlfriends Club will present a photographic tribute to the work of legendary fashion photographer Helmut Newton in conjunction with Oyster Magazine. The exhibition will showcase the cream of Australasia's photographic talent with offerings from Derek Henderson, Steven Chee, Ben Sullivan, Karen Inderbitzen Waller, Imogene Barron and David Shields, among others. Each photographer was given the task of recreating a famous Helmut Newton image, but with the freedom to interpret it in their own style – affording them artistic license with location, lighting, sets and models. The photographers were then asked to submit a self-portrait dressed up (or down) as Helmut Newton. Hilarity will ensue.

"We wanted to have an event but instead of showing our collection in a catwalk show, we thought it would be cool to do a collaboration with different photographers and present an exhibition/party. Just so it was a unique event during that manic week, and also to show that our brand does more than just make clothes. Oh and June Newton aka Alice Springs aka Helmut's wife emailed us to give her permission for the project. Rad eh!"

The photographs will be blown up to a super massive A0 and displayed in Sydney's derelicte gallery style venue Oxford Art Factory. Drinks will be served up sweet and spiked from 42below and Boags. Hot young band The Checks will be making the trip from Auckland to head the huge musical line up, including the likes of Ajax (feat KillaQueenz), Act Yo Age, Redial, Hey Now, Kaseo live and other Sweaty friends.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

#27 Patience (Virtue of the Week)

Patience is the quiet hope and trust that things will turn out right. It's waiting without complaining. It's being tolerant and accepting of difficulties and mistakes. Patience is a commitment to the future.


Saturday, April 26, 2008

#26 Surprise Finds

As I've already said, I'm visiting my parents this long weekend. For those of you who don't know, Friday was ANZAC Day, commemorating the Australian and New Zealand soldiers who died at Gallipoli, Turkey, on that day in 1915. There are two films about it, an Australian one called Gallipoli, starring a young and dashing (if you've seen it, you'll like what I did just there) Mel Gibson, and the other, a New Zealand version, named Chunuk Bair, and written by my Dad. He's a talented man.

My family and I went over to our holiday house in Diamond Harbour, and I decided to do some baking - as I've said before, nothing wins people over quicker - and I had to go and get some golden syrup, (treacle), it was Caramel Slice I was making, and I happened upon a tiny second hand store right next to the convenience store. Five minutes and $35 later, I came out with a six piece set of 1940s drinking glasses, with peachy orange and gold foil rings striped around them, AND a 60s umbrella, in mint condition with a gnarled wooden handle. Such fun!

Ok so if you see a guy on a plane tomorrow going from Christchurch to Auckland, carrying a vintage umbrella and wielding a pack of cards like a budding David Blaine, just say hi ok? It'll save you both a whole lot of trouble. And who knows... you might even get some Caramel Slice out of it.

p.s. speaking of David Blaine, go watch this immediately!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

#25 Breaking the Ice

Ponder with me a moment. Have you ever actually thought to yourself just how difficult it is to go up and talk to someone for the first time? It's tough! I'm telling you. Just tonight I was on a plane flying home to see my parents. I didn't feel like sleeping and didn't have any spare change on me for the headphones, the bastards even make you pay for them now, so I thought, I'll start up a conversation with the guy sitting next to me. Well actually, I thought I'll show that I'm open to a conversation and eventually one of us will just have to start talking. I was sending out all my friendly vibes, I had my body positioned so I was reclining against the wall and kind of facing the guy, and did he even look at me? Once? Sadly no.

So I thought to myself, what's more exciting than a magician? I've been practising all manner of card tricks over the last few days so I pulled my deck out of my pocket and proceded to perform all sorts of exciting shuffles, cuts, fans and flicks. Did he look at me? No! I felt like saying "Listen guy, I'm making a real effort here, can't you give me anything??"

By this stage we were beginning our descent, (yes, I'd been playing with my cards for a full hour at this point), and I looked out the window to see the brightest orange harvest moon you've ever seen. I felt my heart start to thud. My palms got sweaty. This was my opportunity! Here was the perfect opener! Turning to him, I pointed out the window and said, "My God, have you ever seen anything like that?" His reply? "Nope." You just can't win with some people.

I've been reading this book though, about how to talk to "people" (girls) you don't know. Apparently it doesn't work to go up to them and tell them they have beautiful eyes, or a pretty smile. I can't see why not, it'd work for me, but anyway, apparently you have to go up and make a bold statement that will capture their attention. "Did you see those two girls out there fighting? It was crazy!" After you've gotten an audience with them, you're supposed to try something like this: "I bet you I can ask you five questions in a row, and you won't be able to give me a wrong answer to all five of them." Let's say you're in Auckland, you ask them which city you're in, they're not allowed to say Auckland. Get it? There's a sure fire way to win everytime. You ask them three questions, they give you incorrect answers. On the fourth question, you scratch your head and say, "How many questions is that?" If they're really clever, they'll answer incorrectly. If not, you'll win there. So if they're really clever, you just say. "Oh man, you've played this before haven't you!" They'll be so impressed with themselves, they'll immediately answer "No!" and you'll win the game. You can play it for phone numbers, kisses on the cheek, or my favourite, cold hard cash. You can get at least a fiver out of most people.

I urge you all to give it a try. What's the worst thing you'll walk away with? Ok, possibly not your dignity, but possibly a new friend... or a fistful of money. Oh and if you're wondering about the picture, the guy on the left totally just won the game against the other guy, and look at them. You'd think they'd known each other forever!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

#24 Autumn Leaves

When I was seven, I went to stay with my Nana and Grandad for a week in the school holidays. As an avid encourager of young minds, my Nana got me to write a short story. It was about autumn leaves. It said something like: "The autumn leaves crunch under my stomping feet like cornflakes." Similes as a seven year old. Obviously a gifted child.

I was walking to dinner tonight and what would start crunching under my feet – like cornflakes? Autumn leaves. Wonderful, crisp, amber autumnal leaves.

Autumn Leaves is also the name of a hauntingly beautiful jazz song. It has found fame in many incarnations but my favourite is by Eva Cassidy. Listen to her singing it here.

Next time you're outside and you feel that crunch, think of a little boy in a woollen pom pom hat trying his hand at writing for the first time. Then jump up and down, and smile.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

#23 A coupla' quotes

If you haven't noticed already, I'm a big fan of quotes. Imagine saying something so apt that people remember it for years to come. What an honour. With that in mind, I hope you're all using statusfaction!

Here are five quotes I really like:

5. I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Winston Churchill
4. I can withstand almost anything in this world, except temptation. Oscar Wilde
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen
2. The coldest winter I ever had was summer in San Francisco. Mark Twain
1. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Oscar Wilde

Monday, April 21, 2008

#22 Justice (Virtue of the Week)

A great man once said, "the best beloved of all things in my sight is justice." Practicing justice is being fair. It is solving problems so everyone wins. It's not being prejudiced in your decision making. It's not accepting it when someone acts like a bully, cheats or lies. Being a champion for justice takes courage. Sometimes when you stand for justice, you stand alone.


#21 Winter by Jordan Rondel

Winter has officially arrived and although most have an aversion to the cold and the frequent precipitation that comes with the season, winter has many upsides that make us all love it a little bit. Winter is caused by the tilt of the Earth's axis relative to its orbital plane, which causes different latitudes to directly face the sun as the earth moves through its orbit. Although winter may be a dark and stormy season, it is a beautiful season and it has many endearing qualities. For me, winter conjures up thoughts of comfort, socks, wool, coats, scarves, soup, long days inside with someone close, and hot chocolate. It is also undeniably the most fashionable of seasons because you can layer, you can wear tweed, cashmere, fur, knitwear and amazing coats. So there's no need to be woeful and worried about winter; embrace it!

Photos courtesy of Turned Out

Saturday, April 19, 2008

#20 Interviews... with James Dobson aka Jimmy D!

Not only does James Dobson design one of the hottest womenswear labels in the world right now, Jimmy D, but he's also a swell guy! Here's what he has to say about boy bands, dance movies, and how to make the world a better place...

What do you like? The first coffee of the day, Heather from Rock of Love - that porn star hair, those dresses!! and making clothes!

What's the inspiration behind your latest collection? I had this idea of printed tentacles wrapping around the neck of a garment, and at the same time I wanted to try to build a lot of volume into garments in a more three dimensional way, so the range took on this whole scary deep sea vibe, hence the name ‘Tentacles of Destruction’. We came up with a form of ‘beachball’ panelling that we translated into drippy voluminous silk dresses, drapey shorts and skirts, and as a weird sleeve detail.
Crazy deep sea fish, Bjork’s song ‘oceania’, wet suits and for some reason David Lynch’s film ‘Wild at Heart’ were all points of inspiration for this range. The range is predominantly black with a touch of squid ink blue, and includes fabrics such as wet look lycra, soft silk georgettes, scuba fabrics and a deep sea inspired printed stretch fabric. I also worked with Sydney based graphic designer Jeff Burch who came up with the clustered tentacle prints, and an abstracted slogan print that adorns supersized tees and shift dresses.

Favourite piece from the collection? The ‘Fortune Oversized Singlet’ with it’s loose shape and V shaped straps, and the Overinflated Tee with it’s tentacle like straps.

What's your favourite virtue? Chastity

How can we promote unity in this crazy world of ours? Random acts of kindness, I saw that on Oprah once.

Dirty Dancing or Footloose? Dirty Dancing, I secretly had a Swayze crush...

NKOTB or Boyz II Men? JD 4 NKOTB 4 EVA!!!! And they are reforming... Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh exciting! Step by Step is genius. GENIUS!! Although NRKOTB are pretty cool too... Google them!

Any last words? Nope. Thanks for having me!

Check out the new Jimmy D collection online here!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

#19 Baking

Baking smells so delicious, the mere illusion of freshly baked biscuits can sell houses. It's true. Real estate agents will pour cinnamon on a tray in the oven and fan bake it so the smell wafts around the house. Makes it feel more homely. Just like maaaama used to make.

Baking also tastes amazing (if you do it right), and there's no quicker way to impress girls. Show up to their house with a bunch of freshly baked cookies as a thoughtful gift for their mother and you'll not only win the girl, but the whole family too. 

Here's my recipe for ginger crunch. It's a winner – I baked it the last two nights and took it into work and now my work-mates are loving me so much they keep letting me leave early.

175 g butter
125 g soft brown sugar
220 g white flour
50 g desiccated coconut
50 g rolled oats
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon ground ginger

Icing (Frosting)
60 g butter
125 g icing sugar
2 tablespoons golden syrup
2 teaspoons ground ginger

1. Preheat Oven to 180C (350F)
2. Melt butter and combine with all dry ingredients
3. Tip mixture into greased baking tin or make cookie shapes on a baking tray
4. Bake until golden brown (usually 10-20 mins)
5. Remove from oven and pour hot icing over them
6. Distribute them freely and wait for good fortune to start rolling your way!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

#18 Polaroids

One thing I really love is polaroid photos. Much to my disappointment I heard the other day that all production of polaroid film is being discontinued. Sure, the film is very expensive and it doesn't last forever, but the photos are a novelty and I'll be so sad to see them become a thing of the past. A polaroid, to me, seems to make any captured moment look amazingly cool; they make clothes look like high fashion, food look delicious and skin look flawless. I think I might spend a small fortune stocking up on some polaroid film and start snapping some sweet photos.

ed's note: this post was written by Jordan Rondel. I like Jordan. If you'd like to post something you like on send me an email to

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

#17 Cross-Pollinization

I wholeheartedly support individuals who have babies with someone from outside their ethnic spectrum. Forget the Toyota Prius, this is nature's hybrid. I think synergy is a better word for it though. Synergy is the combination of two things to create another thing stronger than the original two forms as separates. Confused? Think paper + ink = book. Each culture has something unique and special to offer. Imagine the possibilities when you take the best from both worlds and combine them!

You'd think in this educated, globalised world we live in that there'd be no more cultural misunderstandings, no more racism, no more prejudice. In an ideal world, maybe, but not this one... Yet. I really and truly think that the fastest way to eliminate these problems that still exist in our world, in our countries and in our communities, is to combine forces! It's difficult, I know. People from other cultures can be weird. I'm told that the Asian immigrants who come to New Zealand find that New Zealanders smell like dairy products. Those poor people. I can understand not wanting to get close to that. But, with a little tolerance, a little patience and a little effort we'll all find that most of our misconceptions are just that. Misconceptions.

So I encourage you all to branch out a little. Go chat up that cute foreigner. Mono cultural relationships are the stuff of your parents' generation. Go live a little. You never know what your babies might achieve.

And remember this: cross-pollinization produces the best looking flowers.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

#16 Tact (Virtue of the Week)

Tact is telling the truth kindly, and in consideration of how your words affect others’ feelings. Think before you speak, knowing what is better left unsaid. When you are tactful, others find it easier to hear what you have to say. Tact builds bridges.


Saturday, April 12, 2008

#15 Famous Last Words

NB! Next time you're about to die, make sure you say something profound, witty or at least ironic...

Here are my ten favourite famous last words.

10. I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have. Leonardo da Vinci (d. 1519)
9. Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me. (To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud.) Joan Crawford (d. 1977)
8. I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is correct. Dominique Bouhours [French grammarian] (d. 1702)
7. Friends applaud, the comedy is over. Ludwig van Beethoven (d. 1827)
6. All my possessions for a moment of time. Elizabeth I, Queen of England (d. 1603)
5. Either this wallpaper goes, or I do! Oscar Wilde (d. 1900)
4. I am a Queen, but I have not the power to move my arms. Louise, Queen of Prussia (d. 1820)
3. They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... (Killed in battle during US Civil War.) General John Sedgwick, Union Commander (d. 1864)
2. Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. John Barrymore (d. 1942)
1. Why yes, a bulletproof vest! (On his final request before the firing squad.) James W. [American criminal] (d. 1960)

Thursday, April 10, 2008

#14 Art Auctions

Anyone who knows me really well will know that there's nothing I love more than sitting, observing, and (occasionally) bidding in a fine arts auction. I'd love to do a lot more of the latter, but my fiscal resources restrict me somewhat. Ok lotswhat.

My appetite for auctions was whetted like many people's these days - on the internet. When trademe (New Zealand's answer to EBay) started up, I'd be on there for hours a day bidding against people for things I didn't even know I needed until I saw them onscreen. There are a couple of problems with online auctions though. Firstly, money doesn't seem real when it's not exchanged in real life. This is actually a major problem with buying just about anything online. Secondly, you really have to hunt online to find something good, and you can never wholly guarantee anything you're buying.

My love for art auctions started a little less than a year ago. I happened to move into an apartment that's right next door to a real life auction house! About a week after I'd moved in, I started hearing about a pop culture auction that was going to be on, so when it came about, off I went. I was quite nervous when I first got there, and quite intimidated by how sure of themselves everyone else looked - I've long since realised that this is merely a veneer. To cut a long story short, I had a blast and came out of it with a mint condition Pop Swatch Watch and some other frivolous items - bought in the heat of the moment. A couple of weeks later there was an art auction there and once again, off I went. Let me tell you there's nothing more exciting than watching a proper fine arts auction - not just in seeing the artworks in real life, but to watch the bidding wars and the exorbitant amounts of money people will drop on a single painting! I saw a guy walk away with a particular work for $85,000. I was instantly hooked. Imagine the feeling going to a major auction and seeing someone bidding $85,000,000!

Since then, I've made it my business to go to as many art auctions as I can, and a few months ago I had the pleasure of buying a few pieces for my parents and grandmother. Simultaneously one of the more exciting and frightening moments of my life.

I'd recommend the experience to everyone of you. It's as exciting as going to a boxing match, without the blood, but possibly more sweat and tears. And best of all - watching's free.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

#13 Coining Words

- noun
1. the state of being pleased with one's rising status within a social group - generally seen in larger cities; Los Angeles, New York, Sydney, (Auckland).
2. deriving pleasure from owning a symbol of status.
- related forms
- adjective
1. the smug smile seen only when one has appeared on the cover of the social pages section.

Statusfaction. Use it as you will.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

#12 Boston Legal

James Spader, William Shatner, Saffron Burrows, extreme sexual tension, power suits, an angry dwarf and that guy with Asperger's Syndrome; finally, America has created a well rounded comedy programme.

The educated, well informed and hungry television audience has matured. Long gone are the days when a full thirty minute episode devoted to slapstick comedy was sufficient entertainment. You can't keep a viewer glued to the screen with a simple relationship comedy. We need more. MORE MORE MORE! Today the masses have seen it all. There are daily sex scandals, bloody genocides and open-air celebrity divorce trials. We have seen so much, we're utterly desensitised. The only way to entertain is to shock. And that's why Boston Legal works so well.

It's no longer enough to simply have a gay character and a few cast members of varying racial backgrounds. Boston Legal is light years ahead of that. Boston Legal features a woman on the run from a Pakistani husband who will kill her for cheating on him; a black transvestite; a middle aged man who longs to have relations with a woman 20 years his senior; an old man who longs to have relations with everyone; a man with Asperger's Syndrome AND mild Tourettes whose girlfriend leaves him for a clock radio; male sleepovers... the list goes on. Add to all that: killer dialogue, an uber talented ensemble cast, and the ridiculous yet genius court cases they always seem to win no matter how many odds are stacked up against them, and there you have it: Boston Legal is the all-in-one programme for a relentlessly numbed generation.

They had me at Denny Crane.

Monday, April 7, 2008

#11 Stolen Girlfriends Club - The End Has No End

It's literally impossible to walk down the street right now without seeing someone wearing one of their irreverently tongue-in-chic tee shirts, or a pair of their jeans with the signature leather patch on the left leg.

The cheeky boys behind Stolen Girlfriends Club – Marc, Luke and Daniel – (sounds Biblical doesn't it?) cite the passage of time, past and future, and the hour glass as the inspiration behind this their fifth season: The End Has No End.

The theme is realised in a distinct mashup of vintage ripped, washed out denims and laundered tee shirting against futuristic PVCs, vinyls and silver studs. It's reminiscent of David Bowie in his incarnation as Ziggy Stardust: an imagined character in futuristic style, brought to life in a period that we would now call vintage. Kind of a hard concept to grasp - it's like those hours you lose when you fly from anywhere to New Zealand. Hours lost in the passage of the time continuum - perhaps that's the end with no end?

Enough of that, the collection will hit stores later this month - my favourite pieces are the Fringe Dress for girls and the Denim Killer Coat for the boys.

Click here to view the runway pics.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

#10 Unity (virtue of the week)

Unity is working and living together peacefully. It's valuing our fellow humans as a gift, not as a reason to fight or be scared.

We could all learn a thing or two from children - they're not restricted by each other's colour, class, gender, religion or affiliations.

Be unified - United we stand, divided we fall!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

#9 Made to Measure Suits

Women are lucky. Along with being the fairer sex, they get to spend hours at the spa being pampered, and they get to enjoy the bounty of pregnancy... although this might have put an end to that one. That's not to say that men aren't able to go to the spa, but in doing so I fear that many would feel they were losing their masculinity. For men, hands down the most pampered experience you can get – while retaining your masculinity – is getting a made to measure or bespoke suit.

My best good friend from high school Nic is getting married on July the 4th, (Independence Day - ironic I know), and I'm his best man. One of the conditions of accepting this job was that we both had to get made to measure suits from Crane Brothers. I always think if you're going to do something, you may as well do it right. Today was the day of our appointment and let me tell you – it did not disappoint. There's nothing quite like having somebody devoted entirely to your every whim and fancy, and that's what the gentlemen tailors were: patient, accommodating and knowledgeable, exactly what you want when you're a first timer. We've lost that personal touch in retail assistance and it's fantastic to see that there are a small few still committed to providing that level of service.

So what did we get? Black suits, ivory made to measure shirts (to match the blushing bride), and the hottest Costume National ties - black with tiny dots. With suits like that, we'll be giving the bride a run for her money.

I'd recommend the experience to all my male friends, so next time you're in Auckland give Crane Brothers a call. You'll understand what I'm talking about.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

#8 Lonely Hearts' Winter 08 Collection

Speaking of boy bands, they're just one of the inspirations sassy label Lonely Hearts is claiming for their Winter 08 collection IOU NOTHING, launched tonight at MyHart, their flagship store. Boy bands, B Grade 80s flicks and Punk Princesses to be exact. Sitting in the show at Fashion Week I couldn't stop marveling at the fresh, well executed and covetous looks that kept coming down the runway.

The collection includes punk elements in studded, worn out leather jackets, unbelievably cool black and blue tartan check drop crotch pants (which I ordered), and high shine brothel creepers; boy band and 80s references in the electric colours, huge oversized Madonna print tees, orange dresses and polka dots; and a crossover to the moment everything went grunge in the tartan shirts and washed out tee shirting.

This is a label that has that perfect combination of skill, talent, timing and inspired design. I have no doubts that we'll be seeing all the cool kids in Lonely Hearts' punky hard edged glam outfits within days.

View full collection here

#7 Boyz II Men

The music, the lyrics, the white suits and Timberlands, those reading glasses! One of the first albums I ever bought when I was 12 years old was the 96 Grammy Nominees tape which included the uber-collaboration between Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey, One Sweet Day. (Darling, I never told you.... all I wanted to say... and now it's too late to hold you.... cos you've gone away... so far awayyayaayayayy) Has there ever been such a pairing since? Not to the best of my knowledge but if you can think of one, feel free to let me know.

The thing I love best about Boyz II Men is that they've got a song that's applicable to every situation. You wanna party? Motown Philly. It's your wedding night? I'll Make Love to You. Your partner's just died? One Sweet Day. Your girl's cheated? End of the Road. You're breaking up? Water Runs Dry.

And how many of us didn't have one of those crucial moments while a Boyz II Men song was playing. You know the ones. Slow dancing at the school disco with that girl or boy you liked so much, your first kiss, sitting in your room crying after you'd broken up, graduating high school, the list goes on.

Copy and paste the following links for a fast track to reminiscenceville.

End of the Road

One Sweet Day

Motown Philly

I'll leave you with some lyrics.

Although we've come to the end of the road...
Still I can't let go....
It's unnatural. You belong to me. I belong to youuuuuuuu

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

#6 Working Out

Actually, that's a moot point but due to my having the best workout of my fitness career this afternoon, let's discuss it anyway.

Working out is hard. It's a commitment. It's a commitment to do something really hard that hurts and burns on a really regular basis. But once you catch the bug, it's pretty hard to give up. Sadly I am yet to catch the bug.

My fitness history goes as such:

0-5 years: sitting, crawling, walking, running, riding bikes
5-10 years: participating in just about every sport known to man
10-12 years: ditto
12-15 years: gradual decline in sporting prowess and interest
15-18 years: introduction of internet, telephone and movies to daily schedule
18-22 years: car becomes sole mode of transportation
23 years: introduction of pies to diet, and inches to waist line, causing minor distress and resulting in the joining of gym.

I've now been a member of this gym for five months. Up until today I was seriously doubting the positive impact of going - and it certainly hadn't had any effect in transforming this former Mr Puniverse into anything remotely resembling a universe. Until today. What did I realise today I hear you ask? I realised today that all this time, I've just been doing it wrong. The two Australian buffsters staying at my house accompanied me to the gym today and showed me what I should really be doing.

My new daily workout plan now includes...
Cross training, stretching, squats, sit ups, press ups, shoulder presses, chest presses and all sorts of other presses I never even knew existed. The results? Severe pain, but satisfaction all the same.

Oh and just in case you wanted some gym wardrobe tips....

I have two words for you.



'nuff said.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

#5 Flat tops

Hairstyles, they come and go. In the last ten years we've seen the rise and fall of the mullet, the mulhawk, the mohawk, the brohawk, the short back and sides, the stick your finger in the socket and fry. (My personal hairstyle of choice.)

The flat top makes the other styles – no matter how en vogue they might be – look like complete amateurs. A long time has passed since it's had a renaissance and I'm here to say it's well overdue. The most recent manifestation of the flat top can be seen above in Dior Homme's Fall 07 collection, and I dare any one of you to replicate it.

Tips for achieving that perfect flat top:

1. Unless you're of African, Islander or Jewish descent, go get a perm.
2. Get your ass to that Barber Shop
3. Go a number 1 on the sides and back.
4. Cut that top flat as a board.
5. Blow dry that bad boy up as high as it'll go.
6. If you want your flat top to glow, apply Afro Sheen liberally.
7. Laugh at just how ridiculously cooler your hair is than anyone else's.
8. Rent a copy of The Fresh Prince of Belair or watch some Kid n Play videos and RAISE THE ROOF!!!

#4 The Moose Dance

No it's not a variation on the chicken dance.

If you like dance movies, if you like hip hop and r'n'b, or if you like a combination of all three, go see Step Up 2. Along with the formulaic plot line - orphan girl falls in with the wrong crowd (a bunch of rag-tag dancin' gangstas for whom missing a practice is the ultimate sin), gets herself into trouble, has one shot to clean up her act or else she'll get sent to live in Texas with an Aunt she hardly knows, runs into the main character from the last film who's cleaned up his act due to going to the special school for gifted special special students, is cajoled into auditioning, auditions, catches the eye of the bad-ass younger brother of said school's most influential dance instructor, gets into the school, starts running late to dance gangsta's practices, gets kicked out of the crew...and so on and so forth until there's a dance off at the end – and her new crew of especially rag-tag misfits bring it and her old crew get served like a bunch of suckers.

You might think that I've ruined the movie, but let's face it. None of us go to these films for their award winning plot lines. The dancing is insane. INSANE. And the best dancer of all? In my opinion, and since you're reading this it's the only one you're going to get, is Moose. Moose is a young scruffy dude with big curly hair, pale skin and a prominent nose... see what I'm getting at here? He's a young guy who goes to the gifted special school for special special students as a tech crew lighting assistant. He has no discernible talents until...

The Moose Dance

click the link and you'll know exactly why I like the Moose Dance. You'll probably see why I like Moose too. Go watch the film and see what he does at the end.

You'll jump up and down with pure exhilaration and excitement.

I did – and I'm still picking tangy fruits out of my hair a week later.

#3 Dressing like a schoolboy

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Going to school in New Zealand in the late 80s and 90s my uniform consisted of bottle green jerseys, white shirts and grey trousers. Despite the dubious colour combinations I still kick myself for immediately disposing of them on the last day of my high school career. Although I used to feel the need to rebel against the restrictiveness of my imposed garb, I've now come to realise the power and insouciance of harnessing all aspects the schoolboy uniform has to offer.

There are certain rules for getting it right, that if followed, will take you from weak to geek-chic.

1. Keep colours simple - grey on grey, black and white, grey and maroon, navy and grey/white.
2. Trousers must be charcoal, navy or black wool and if you want to go ultimate schoolboy, cut one size too small.
3. Shorts - and this is imperative - must be at least 3 inches above the knee.
4. Shirts can be short sleeved and tucked in, long sleeved (but rolled up) and with the top 3 or so buttons undone, or worn underneath a woolen v neck jersey.
5. Shoes should be plain black or roman sandals and worn with thick grey or beige socks.
6. Hair must be tousled.

Dressing like a schoolboy isn't solely reserved for the boys and as you can see above, (from Obedient Sons' Spring 08 collection) when the girls do it well it'll knock your thick beige socks off.

And boys don't forget - what girl doesn't love a guy in uniform...

#2 Vervet Monkeys

I was having a big talk with a couple of friends yesterday about the importance of altruism - the practice of doing good deeds with no expectation of recompense - when someone mentioned the fact that there are altruistic animals. This is a concept I'd never heard of, so naturally I went to the infallible source of information that is wikipedia. So here I pay homage to the Vervet Monkey, an animal that gives an alarm call to warn its friends when predators are coming, only to increase the chance of being attacked themselves. I'm sure we can all learn something from our furry little friends. And look at that face!

#1 You

Since you've taken the time to come and read about what I like, this, my first post is dedicated to how much I like you.