I don't care who you are, where you were born or how amazing your ass is, buying jeans is tough. Levi's did some research and found that your average lady will try on 10 pairs of jeans before finally settling on the pair that is the least offensive. Sounds about right, right? I'm not a happy shopper at the best of times, but jeans shopping definitely tops the charts as the worst expedition imaginable. Jeans shopping with a girl, however, is like getting paper cuts between your fingers. And then dipping those bleeding fingers into a fun mix of salt, vinegar and hydrochloric acid – all the while trying to tell her that it's the denim company's fault, because her ass is perfect. Trust me, I would know. A special lady who is very close to my heart has forced me to go jeans shopping with her on numerous occasions over the 26-odd years that I've known her, and it always ends in tears and tantrums. Mine usually.
It's not that she has a bad body, quite the opposite actually, but for some reason she can never find a pair of jeans that fits properly. They're either too tight and too low, or perfect on the ass but with a massive gaping space at the back of the waist. Baffling, I know.
So that's why I was particularly excited to read about Levi's new Curve ID system. The new jeans come in three different flavours – Slight Curve for the flat-ass, Demi-Curve for the hump and Bold Curve for the full blown ghetto bootay. Obviously there are more than three types of lady-body, but it's a good start.
But here's the thing. So excited was I at this marvellous new discovery, that I immediately emailed all the necessary information to the aforementioned special lady who is very close to my heart. The necessary information was accompanied by the text: "Hey! Look! Now there's even a pair of jeans that'll fit your ghetto bootay!"
And guess what – no reply. No, 'Thank you Isaac, you're so kind for thinking of me, and for being patient on our many jeans shopping expeditions over the years...' Nothing.
You just can't please some people.
I LIKE YOU!