Wednesday, May 2, 2012

#2171 The facts of life

 
1. You know how guys always say 'No homo' after saying anything that could be misconstrued as being the least bit gay? My friends and I are trialling a new one out – 'No hetero'. You say it after anything that could be misconstrued as being the least bit straight. For example: "Woah did you see that girl's ass? No hetero." "The game's on. No hetero." It also works pretty well to reinforce a statement, lest there be any doubt: "Curled up on the couch with my mates and a big bowl of popcorn, watching The Notebook. :-) No hetero." "God he's got good abs. No hetero." Give it a go. You'll love it.

2. Not talking in elevators is such a cliche. Elevators are prime times to make new friends – you're stuck in a tiny space for a short amount of time, so you have to bust out your absolute best work. Never forget: You're only as good as your weakest opener. (For the record, 'I think I just farted,' might make your friends fall to pieces, but it'll only get you death stares from the other passengers. I found that out the hard way in the Fifth Avenue J Crew elevator last Sunday. And that thing rides super, super slow.)

3. Slagging people off to your friends doesn't make you look cool, it makes you look like a bitter, twisted, angry little man.

4. However... In the privacy of your own home, if you want to get your friends really good, here's how you do it: Every time they do or say something stupid, say to them, "That is such a [insert their name here] thing to say." For example, let's say my good friend Tom Bull makes a joke and nobody laughs, I'll rub salt in the wound with, "Suuuuch a Tom Bull joke." It's the quickest way to give someone a massive complex. Inception at its absolute best.

5. Also, calling one of your male friends the Johnny Drama of the group works an absolute treat.

6. The best comment I received from a girl on Friday's post The problem with girls, as highlighted by Girls: "This has been extremely insightful. I am in fact one of those girls letting this sh*t happen. I don't know what it is that draws us to douche bags. In my case I have been seeing a douche for a year. I know he is one and that I should not be seeing him. He is always wanting to see me but insists he doesn't want a gf. I am confused as to why because he obviously likes me a lot. It's not like he has other girls on the go. I think it's the excitement of it all. He makes me so nervous every time we plan to meet up. Also he is ridiculously attractive. So I see him, then turn into a stupid love sick mess afterwards and swear not to see him again because I like him too much. So I ignore him for weeks on end, until I'm over him just enough to feel like I can see him again. So hard to cut all ties with some one I have fallen for that waaants to see me. Utterly stupid and irrational. I WILL stop this and keep an open mind with the nice guys out there. Thanks Isaac!"

7. The greatest thing about this Bon Jovi song is not that a 21 year old Peter Facinelli (Carlisle Cullen of Twilight fame) stars in the video, but that it's the most extreme power ballad of all time. Plus, Tom Bull absolutely owns it at karaoke every Tuesday night. No hetero. Listen to it immediately.

8. Look out for a The problem with boys post coming later this week, brought on by not one, not two, but three different ladies whose opinions I respect, who contacted me to tell me that I've been way too hasty in my condemnation of the fairer sex. Their concerns and my inherent sexism will all be addressed.

9. Proving that getting involved in other people's business is never a good call, I just messed up in a big, big way. My friend confided in me that he'd been having problems with his girlfriend for a couple of days. I just ran into her on the street. She also told me they'd been having some problems. I texted my friend and told him what she'd said. Except I sent the text to her instead of him. I am officially a 14 year old girl, and today is not my day.

I LIKE YOU!

18 comments:

hey said...

6. If he doesn't want to make you his girlfriend, he doesn't want you to be his girlfriend. What really makes you think he doesn't have other girls on the side, as you are. Move on.

Livinz said...

9. Happened all the time when we were teens. My friend went to the supermarket to pick up some condoms for my other friends 16th birthday (as you do when you come of age). She went to text me that she's bought them and accidentally text the girl we were buying them for. Admittedly she was all 'why are you telling me you just bought condoms? :/'. Hilarity was had by all. 

p.s. you're such a shit-stirrer. But it does make for great posts!

Jonathan T. said...

Wait - Isaac, how do you 'think' you just farted? Shouldn't you know? LOL

isaaclikes said...

LOLCATS

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Brogan said...

2. I agree, it's more awkward being in an elevator with a bunch of strangers and not talking. I usually do the 'so you're all probably wondering why i gathered you here today' line. Most of the time it gets a laugh among all the death stares.

isaaclikes said...

Brilliant. Definitely going to use that.

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LF said...

1. Was thinking you could also use it if you are complimenting a girl (in a way that's bordering hitting on her) to make it ok and not like a sexual advanced.

"Your body is a wonderland, No Hetero"  

isaaclikes said...

That is a oneway ticket to the friendzone my man.

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Anon said...

I think you're secretly in love with Tom Bull.  No hetero. 

LF said...

HAAAAAARD

LF said...

This is why you make the rules to the game.

LoulouBlue said...

Hilarious, I used to looove 'Always'!  Karaoke gold. I never knew that was Peter Facinelli but there are Keri Russell & Carla Gugino too! And the weird looking dude who was always in music videos. I forgot how hot JBJ used to be...

Charlotte said...

http://www.listology.com/darktremor/list/top-75-most-annoying-things-do-elevator
You should do one a day. Hilarious. 

Sunrisekiwi09 said...

9. There's a song about that by David O'Doherty song about that: www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAG18UUDPPI

Cathryn Little said...

Hi Isaac, I don't think that's Peter Whatshisname from Twilight - isn't it Jason Wiles who was on Third Watch? Great video by the way... giggled the whole way through it.  Superb over-acting back in those days.  :)

Bsaw said...

the sad but true thing is that we all know that a guy is a 'douche' ( actually hate that word, my husband used it in conversation with my mother the other day, have people really forgotten what it means?), but that doesn't change anything. the only consolation is that the DB's become more and more recognizable as time progresses, rule of thumb, the better looking, the bigger DB he is. I mean, not 100% of all super good looking dudes are bad, but, it makes it just so easy for them, and most guys will use it, nature has done it to us. you know it's love when you think he is amazing looking, and your friends can't see it.......worked for me. x

Jason said...

Dude!! That is NOT Peter Facinelli in the Always video.. Its Jason Wiles, Kelly Taylor's druggie artist from 90120... 

isaaclikes said...

My bad!